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Things that go Bump in the night

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/13/2007 at 20:37
Mike McDonald View Drop Down
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I've been fortunate enough to live in different parts of the country during my life and have always enjoyed the discovery of  flora and fauna native to the area..

 

While living on the Oregon  coastI learned that  200 people anually fall from their bicycles....................and drown.

 

In Montana I learned that the woods are full of things that can eat your horse, or stomp your person into a mud puddle.

 

When I moved to Texas the wife and I discovered a vorascious little throwback called the Armadillo.

Cute, dumb as a rock, and have a strange attraction to the wife's flower garden

The edict came down from She Who Must Be OBEYED that all armadillo's on the McDonald farm must be hunted down and terminated with all available resources. 

 

So I'm liking that part already.

 

MIdlle of the night, the spousal unit hears a noise.  She hears everything.  I sleep like dead people and as such get the snot beat out of me while she's trying to wake me to perform my appointed duties as night assassin.  We can't find the day guys phone number.

Out of bed, pant,s slippers, flashlight, self loading hand held 22 caliber hole puncher and out the door we go on our mission to confront  evil and destroy it. 

 

Harmless litte thing, kinda waddles around like I do at night munching on things like, well, like I do at night.

Despite the similarities this creature has to go.........now!

I sneak up on the dastardly villian and straddle it, taking aim with my non suppressed Ruger 22 pistol.

He's standing right between my legs and has no concern whatsoever.

I shot the little thing right between the ears, top down.

 

Things I know about Armadillos, let me enumerate for you;

 

1.  They have a brain the size of a pea.

2.  When shot, and not hit in the brain, they go into a defensive manuver.

 

That manuver is the vertical leap, propelling 20 some odd pounds of armor wrapped flesh into vertical flight, the appogee of which is 48 inches.

 

I have a 30 inch inseam.  Got the visual on that??

 

Meanwhile, inside the house, the wife has;

1.     Heard the gunshot

2.     Heard me moan loudly and fall to the ground.  (I don't remember this part clearly. My brain had    company, two little guys from down south.)

3.     Looked outside after hearing all this and saw me laying on the ground clutching my midsection.

4.     Dialed 911 with a shots fired/unknown intruder, husband injured on the ground.

       

 Every cop and first responder in the county shows up.  Not knowing what else to do, my charming wife makes coffee for everyone so we can all sit down and talk about it.

 

All armadillos on the McDonald farm are shotgunned from this point forward.

 

 

 

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/13/2007 at 20:42
pyro6999 View Drop Down
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that was so funny tell it again!!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/14/2007 at 05:41
TC209X50 View Drop Down
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Now that's a good one. I haven't had a chuckle like that in awhile.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/14/2007 at 07:16
Bigdaddy0381 View Drop Down
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Mike,

That was an awsome campfire story......

 

Nothing like a good shot to the twins when half alseep and in the dark.

 

As for the possum in a half shell.sound like it won the first round..

 

 

Big

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/14/2007 at 08:51
sinsir View Drop Down
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all i can say is - OUCH -

 

sorry man, i had to laugh for awhile on that. like my old boss use to say " i bet you'll never do that again " .....lol...

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/14/2007 at 11:54
Mike Jones View Drop Down
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that was awsome
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/14/2007 at 14:33
Stephanie View Drop Down
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Mike,

 

  Be thankful it wasn't a porcupine!   OOOOUCH!!!  

 

 

 

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/14/2007 at 19:40
RifleDude View Drop Down
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Mike,

That was a hilarious story, and you have a gift for storytelling!  You use satire quite well!

 

RE:  "She Who Must Be OBEYED"

...Confucius says "man who claims he's master of his own domain... will lie to you about other things as well!"

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/15/2007 at 14:00
sinsir View Drop Down
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sorry mike , i had to share that with the folks in my office.... at your expense, we all got a laugh ... thanks, but please, for sake of the one who must be obayed, please use the shot gun next time.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/16/2007 at 18:15
ROCKMAN57 View Drop Down
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 May be a little off the subject but I had a buddy who was a welder on my previous job and he invented a sling shot to cast out his bait while surf fishing.He bragged and bragged about his invention.Apparently while shooting his line out into the surf he would sit with legs spread in the sand.One day he didn't show up for work after the week-end and I called to see if everything was ok.Well it seems that his contraption had backfired and when casting the line,weight and hook got tangled.It came back and hit him where it hurts.Now these weights were also one of his inventions and had welding rods sticking out of them to stick to the sandy bottom.He was gone about a week and was walkin funny for a looongggggggg time.hehehehehe

Rock

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/17/2007 at 15:44
Duce View Drop Down
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Great story Mike,  you must have chased them north we are seeing them in Kansas now.

 

Duce

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/20/2007 at 07:52
mwyates View Drop Down
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Armadillos in Kansas! I remember when they first arrived in East Texas.  That was just shortly before the fire ants got here.  I don't have much use for either, but I'll take armadillos over fire ants any day. 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/20/2007 at 09:21
Duce View Drop Down
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Originally posted by mwyates mwyates wrote:

Armadillos in Kansas! I remember when they first arrived in East Texas.  That was just shortly before the fire ants got here.  I don't have much use for either, but I'll take armadillos over fire ants any day. 

 

Please ! keep the fire ants and the killer bees too.

 

Duce 

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/21/2007 at 09:47
tahqua View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Stephanie Stephanie wrote:

Mike,

 

  Be thankful it wasn't a porcupine!   OOOOUCH!!!  

 

 

 

That's as funny as the story, thanks everyone

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/18/2007 at 16:56
Urimaginaryfrnd View Drop Down
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OUCH

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/18/2007 at 17:04
Duce View Drop Down
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He don`t look happy with that .

 

Duce

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/21/2007 at 18:26
cyborg View Drop Down
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I don't understand why it's so funny when a man takes a shot to the pills.

BUT IT IS !!!! 

It's been ten minutes and I'm still laughing my @#$ off

sorry bout the nuts mike, I hope your voice gets back to normal soon.

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