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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/15/2008 at 17:22
Ed Connelly View Drop Down
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                                                                                                        " George Bush and Barack Obama and John McCain decided to have a fact-finding tour of the Middle East. Well their plane got shot down over Iran and they all got captured and the Iranians were going to put them in front of a firing squad."
 
                                                                                                        "  Well, John McCain was first and they stuck him up against the wall and were about to shoot when suddenly he exclaims " Tornado!!" and the entire firing squad runs away for cover and John McCain escapes. "
 
                                                                                                        " Barack Obama was next so they put him up against the wall and just when they are ready to shoot Obama yells " Earthquake" and everybody runs for cover and Obama escapes."
 
                                                                                                         " When the soldiers came back they stuck George Bush up against the wall. GW was pretty nervous because those soldiers looked like they meant business and he knew he had to do something to save himself, like the others had done, so when they were about to pull their triggers Bush yells out 'Fire!' " 


Edited by Ed Connelly - August/15/2008 at 17:23
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/15/2008 at 22:14
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You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of
you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.'

Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R.'

Iran Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. - Allah is Great.'

Pause...

Saudi Air: ' ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC'

Atlanta ATC: 'Go ahead Saudi Air 511.'

Saudi Air: 'YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY
GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS,
PLEASE.'

Atlanta ATC: 'Well bless your hearts And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful
now and tell Allah 'hey' for us --

Edited by Kickboxer - August/15/2008 at 22:15
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/15/2008 at 22:54
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/15/2008 at 23:17
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RED SKELTON      BOB HOPE      JOHNNY CARSON   
 
RED: " Okay, alright, I gotta joke...I gotta joke....(you guys don't mess me up now....)"
 
" It was getting kinda crowded up in Heaven so God decided to change the admissions policy.  In order to get into Heaven from now on--you had to have had a really bad day on Earth on the day you died..."  (  I'm tellin' this...I'm tellin' this...!)
 
"So the next day the first customer comes up to Heaven and St. Peter is there and, in keeping with the new policy, St. Peter asks this man how his last day was... 'No problem' says the man, ' I come home from work to my apartment on the 25th floor and my wife was having an affair with another man and was running around the apartment half naked. I looked all over the place for the man but I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up I went out onto the balcony and I saw a guy hanging by his fingers over the side 25 stories up in the air! Well, the nerve of this guy!  I began to stomp on his fingers and tried to push him off!  Finally he falls 25 stories down!!----BUT he breaks his fall in a bunch of shrubbery and doesn't get hurt at all!!  THAT ticked me off even more!! I ran back into the apartment and grabbed the first heavy thing I could find!!  I UNPLUGGED the refrigerator and dragged it across the floor and hurled it over the balcony and made a direct hit on that guy down below and crushed his butt!!  I was so excited about that that I had a heart attack and died.'
 
" Well, St. Peter figured it had been a bad day...and since it had been a crime of passion...he let him in.  " 
 
" Immediately a second customer arrived. Believe it or not, it was none other than Donald Trump!  So St. Peter asked the Donald how his last day had been..."
 
" ' Well, you're not going to believe this but I was on my balcony on the 26th floor doing my exercises when I accidentally fell over the side!! But, the Lord was with me and I managed to grab onto the balcony right below me on the 25th floor and I was trying to pull myself up when this crazy man came running out and started stomping on my fingers!!  Anyway, I finally fell 25 stories down--but fortunately I landed in some trees which broke my fall and I was okay. But then that crazy lunatic on the 25th floor dropped a refrigerator on me and killed me!!' "
 
" St. Peter was sitting down now, but, upon hearing the story---let the Donald in."
 
" Almost immediately the third customer of the day arrives. It was none other than Bill Clinton...the former President of the United States!!  St. Peter sat down hard!  ' Well, Mr. Clinton' asked St. Peter, ' how was your last day on Earth?'  Bill was all upset and says ' Look, I swear to God this is the truth....I know I have told some un-truths in the past---but this is the truth!!!  I was in this refrigerator-- naked.......' "
 
 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/16/2008 at 07:59
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THAT's FUNNY.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/16/2008 at 12:15
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Good one ED!!!!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/18/2008 at 09:16
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"Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were invited to a gala masked Halloween Party. But, on the evening of the party Tipper had a headache and said she didn't feel like going, but she insisted that Al go alone and not miss the good time.  So Al goes to the Halloween bash by himself."
 
" Later on, Tipper awoke from a nap feeling better so she decided to go to the party after all.  She dressed up in her costume and thought it would be funny to see how Al behaved when he thought she was at home and seeing as how he didn't know what her costume looked like, he would not know who she was. ( and y'know Tipper is a pretty hot babe, if ya know what I mean...)"
 
" Well, Tipper arrived at the party wearing her mask and spotted Al out on the dance floor, half-loaded, and dancing with every broad that came along...and he was copping a little feel here and a little feel down there and kissing the gals and, generally, misbehaving. ( You know the guy's a regular Cave Man.....)"
 
" Well, Tipper unbuttoned the top THREE buttons on her dress and her you-know-what's are practically fallin' out and she sidles up to Al and starts acting seductive and Al immediately dumps the other broads for this 'new stuff' that had just arrived!! ( He's no dope!)" " So Al wisks her off on the dance floor and she figures that she'll string him along as long as she can--Get it? Anyway, he's dancin' with her and feelin' her --ahem--"you knows" and he's squeezin' her stuff and she's just lovin' it. Finally Al whispers a proposition to her and they disappear to the parking lot and they did stuff to each other that they had never done before! (Woo-boy!! Who do ya gotta pay to get a drink around here?)"
 
"Just before midnight Tipper says that she's gotta run and beats it back to the house to see what Al will say when she asks him about his evening! What kind of bullsh*t is he gonna come up with to explain his little tryst with the masked lady."
 
" Well, when Al arrived Tipper was in bed, reading, and she asked him 'How was your evening' and Al says ' Oh, you know....the same ole thing....I never have any fun if you're not there.' So Tipper says ' Did you dance much?' and Al says ' Oh no...I didn't dance even once...when I first got there I got into a poker game with Joe Biden and Janet Reno and I loaned my costume to Bill Clinton' "  


Edited by Ed Connelly - August/18/2008 at 09:17
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/18/2008 at 10:10
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WHOOOOWEEEEE!!!!!!!! Funny stuff there....... Good job Ed!!!!!! Excellent
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/18/2008 at 12:37
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nice one.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/19/2008 at 00:22
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" A Yuppie opened up the door to his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene the Yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
 
" Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer! " he moaned. 
 
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick" retorted the policeman. " You're so worried about your stupid car that you haven't even noticed that your left arm has been ripped off!"
 
" Oh, Gaad!! " cried the yuppie, " Where's my Rolex!!!"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/19/2008 at 06:14
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Originally posted by Ed Connelly Ed Connelly wrote:

" A Yuppie opened up the door to his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene the Yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
 
" Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer! " he moaned. 
 
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick" retorted the policeman. " You're so worried about your stupid car that you haven't even noticed that your left arm has been ripped off!"
 
" Oh, Gaad!! " cried the yuppie, " Where's my Rolex!!!"
 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/19/2008 at 06:53
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is that spit up?  Eek
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/19/2008 at 07:11
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YEP, and proud of it...
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/19/2008 at 14:53
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Kickboxer didn't like it...
 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/19/2008 at 16:53
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Is that at long beach airport.  
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/19/2008 at 16:57
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It wasn't THAT bad. Actually, that was just leftovers from a bath... spitup sounded better.

Northwest Airlines had a BAD day.


Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/23/2008 at 08:15
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Foster Brooks salutes Jack Benny:
 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/23/2008 at 15:59
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" The next time I say 'fill up' you'd better damn well FILL UP!! "
 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/23/2008 at 16:12
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TESTING   TESTING
 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/23/2008 at 23:07
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Originally posted by Ed Connelly Ed Connelly wrote:

" The next time I say 'fill up' you'd better damn well FILL UP!! "

 



Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/25/2008 at 21:18
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" Ok....I've got one.....a beautiful 18 year old Italian girl tells her mama that she's missed her period for two months! Well, the Mom goes to the store and buys a pregnancy test kit--and , sure enough, the girl is pregnant! "
 
" Mama starts shouting ' Who was this pig that did this to you?!!'  And Papa!! Well, he was screaming...' I'm-a gonna bash his-a head in!!  I'm-a gonna rip out his-a guts with-a my fingers!!' "
 
" Well, the girl gets on the phone and makes a call. A half hour later a Ferrari pulls up to the house and a distinguished-looking gentleman, wearing an Armani suit, gets out and walks up to the door. He enters the house and has a word with the irate parents. "
 
" 'Good evening, folks. I'm terribly sorry about all of this....unfortunately, I cannot marry your daughter because of my personal family situation....you see, I am already married. However, I will take responsibility for this entire situation and I will, naturally, pay for all the costs and I will provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.' "  
 
" ' Additionally' , he went on, ' if the child is a girl I will bequeath to her two retail stores, one townhouse, one beachfront villa in Spain, a Ferrari, and a two million dollar trust fund.
If it is a boy I will give him two factories and a four million dollar trust fund.  If she has twins, I will give them one factory each and a two million dollar trust fund for each.' "  
 
" ' However' he continued ' if there is a miscarriage...what do you think I should do?'
 
" Papa grabs him by the shoulder and says: ' Then you-a gonna try again!' "
 


Edited by Ed Connelly - August/25/2008 at 22:42
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2008 at 06:46
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Roll%20on%20Floor%20Laughing
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2008 at 07:12
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Edited by Urimaginaryfrnd - August/27/2011 at 21:38
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2008 at 12:08
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/08/2008 at 16:40
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  cyborg  stage manager
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