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Sarah Palin Facts

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/19/2009 at 20:18
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Chuck Norris Style Sarah Palin "Facts"

By Free Stinker
September 7, 2009 - 23:43 ET

Sarah Palin Facts


There are already two fine websites doing this sort of thing [1][2], but they aren't being updated, so as the saying goes, "you've got do it yourself if you want to get anything done" [3] I'm pretty sure none of these have been done elsewhere.

 

  • Sarah Palin once shot down a MiG just by pointing her index finger at it and yelling "Bang!"
  • Sarah Palin and Fred Thompson walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed because no ordinary building can contain that much awesome.
  • Some girls want to grow up to be Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman wants to grow up to be Sarah Palin.
  • The Russians decided to invade Georgia because it is the tiny country furthest away from Alaska and Sarah Palin. (by Free Stinker)
  • Rumor has it that Chuck Norris was McCain's first choice as running mate, but Chuck told John "Find someone tougher than me!" (by Free Stinker)
  • Sarah Palin is often invited to third world countries because her presence makes the crops more plentiful. (h/t candance)
  • Conservative columnists were going to compare Sarah Palin to Dagny Taggart (Atlas Shrugged) until they realized Dagny is too whimpy to compare to Sarah (by Free Stinker)
  • When Sarah Palin was 8 years old, she refused to go with the Girl Scouts for winter survival training because it was -40 F. Sarah said it was not nearly cold enough to be "realistic" (by Free Stinker)
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Sarah Palin.
  • Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Sarah Palin.
  • Sarah Palin counted to infinity - twice.
  • When Sarah Palin does a pushup, she isn’t lifting herself up, she’s pushing the Earth down.
  • Sarah Palin’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • There is no such thing as global warming. Sarah Palin was cold, so she turned the sun up.
  • Sarah Palin can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  • Sarah Palin doesn’t wear a watch, SHE decides what time it is.
  • Sarah Palin can slam a revolving door.
  • When Sarah Palin falls in water, Sarah Palin doesn't get wet. Water gets Sarah Palin.
  • Sarah Palin CAN believe it's not butter.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words. A Sarah Palin is worth 10 trillion words.
  • Sarah Palin invented red. In fact, she invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "Victim" as "one who has encountered an angry Sarah Palin"
  • Sarah Palin ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Sarah Palin doesn't bowl strikes, she just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  • Sarah Palin has a deep and abiding respect for human life . . . unless it gets in her way.
  • Sarah Palin can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • If you spell Sarah Palin in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Sarah Palin's warm-up exercises.
  • Simply by pulling on both ends, Sarah Palin can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  • There is in fact an “I” in Palin, but there is no “team” . . . not even close.
  • Sarah Palin does not own a stove, oven, toaster, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • The Abrams (M-1) tank was originaly called the Palin tank until Sarah Palin decided it wasn't badass enough to be associated with her. The Army, for fear of Sarah Palin, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of her name. Although this resulted in the creation of Apache attack helicopters, and the Javalin anti-tank missile, no Army weapon created to date has been badass enough to be named after Sarah Palin.
  • The US Navy tried to outdo the Army, and developed Nimitz class carriers, Ticonderoga class curisers, and Ohio class missile submarines, in their failed attempt to come up with a weapon badass enough to be named after Sarah Palin. (by Free Stinker)
  • The US Air Force also tried to outdo the Army and developed the F-22 Raptor, the B-1 bomber, the B-2 bomber, the Peacekeaper "MX" missile, and the A-10 Thunderbolt II in their failed attempt to create a weapon badass enough to be named after Sarah Palin. Although they did come close with the A-10. (by Free Stinker)
  • The US Navy SEALS and the US Army Delta Force *are* actually badass enough to be allowed to use Sarah Palin's name (i.e. - Palin Platoon or Sarah's Squadron). However, they don't because they already have their own kickass names, and Pentagon planners decided it is best to give our enemies three names to fear (Palin, Delta Force, SEALS) instead of just one. (by Free Stinker)
  • 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Sarah Palin. After a workout, Sarah Palin rubs down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
  • If at first you don't succeed, you're not Sarah Palin.
  • Fear is not the only emotion Sarah Palin can smell. She can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get Sarah Palin mad at me!"
  • Sarah Palin does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Sarah Palin' fists is inside her own body.
  • Sarah Palin uses a night light. Not because Sarah Palin is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Sarah Palin.
  • Sarah Palin once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
  • Sarah Palin once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  • In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Sarah Palin.
  • Sarah Palin got her drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
  • Sarah Palin can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
  • Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Sarah Palin bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  • The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Sarah Palin come off without a hitch. Her Vice Presidential Campaign was John McCains' plan which is why it failed.
  • The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Sarah Palin in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  • Sarah Palin has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call her knocking someone out with a single punch a fight?
  • There are two types of people in the world... people that are weak, and Sarah Palin.
  • Sarah Palin eats moose steak for every single meal. Some times she forgets to kill the moose.
  • The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed . . . unless it meets Sarah Palin.
  • Sarah Palin kn
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/20/2009 at 07:27
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/20/2009 at 08:46
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