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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/14/2010 at 12:43
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 29942

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting
Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
friends who have guns. Bring their friends who have guns.

If you can, make friends with those on the crew served weapons. Bring
them as well. Borrow money from them, it gives them an added incentive
to protect you.

Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.

Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss
is a slow miss.

If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast
enough nor using cover correctly.

Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)

If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a
friend with a long gun.

In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.

If you are not shooting, you should be communicating (calling for arty
or air support), reloading, and running.

Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on
"pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel
pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have
to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only
unfair fight is the one you lose.

Have a plan.

Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

Have a back-up, back-up plan in case CentCom or SecDef finds the first two
plans "unacceptable".

Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The only visible target
should be in your gun sights.

Flank your adversary when possible. Protect your flank.

Don't drop your guard.

Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep
your hands where I can see them).

Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not
start with a "4."

Army Rules for Gun Fighting
See USMC Rules to gun Fighting.
Add 60 to 90 days.
Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance.

Navy Rules for Gun Fighting
Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
Send in the Marines.
Drink Coffee and eat donuts.

Air Force Rules for Gun Fighting
Kiss the wife goodbye.
Drive to the base in your sports car.
Fly to target area, drop bombs, (try not to hit the Canuks) fly back
to your home base.
BBQ some burgers and drink beer in your back yard, and talk sh*t about
the Navy, Army and Marines.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/14/2010 at 12:45
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 29942
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies 

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a s....t. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/14/2010 at 12:47
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 29942
 called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,  to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his  office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ  that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
Nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water.

(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug.

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am
being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery
bowel movement may result."  This is kind of like saying that after
you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much
confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have
not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What
if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they
led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of
those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that,
when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
 was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put
vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn
your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where  Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did
not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me
roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand.  There was music playing in the
room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen '  by ABBA.  I
remarked to Andy

that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I  have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine, and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/14/2010 at 16:14
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Optics Master
Optics Master

Joined: April/24/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 2178
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