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My Fellow Americans
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WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces
from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which
have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The
United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the
countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of
both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money
toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that
note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you
down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps
have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or
watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the
finest chop shops in the world. I love New York .
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep,
border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA
treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil
in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to
come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you
to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. T! hey care .
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the
planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from
America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you
and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English,
thank a soldier.
I wasn't upset about the black cat crossing my path this morning but mouthing "your fu@#ed" as he passed was just rude.
If Guns kill people mine are all defective
Optics Master Extraordinaire
Location: Cottonwood, AZ
If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
show me your sheep!!
A- Fing MEN!
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
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