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Little Johnny Jokes

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/05/2009 at 13:27
geezer View Drop Down
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This is one that I heard last weekend.
 
The teacher writes the word "definitely" on the board and explains to the class what the word means.  She then asks if anyone can use the word in a sentence. 
Susie raises her hand and says - "I know - The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies, "Well, that is sometimes right, but not all of the time.  Sometimes the sky is gray or other colors depending upon the weather."
Ralph raises his hand and says - "I believe I know a sentence.  The grass is definitely green."
The teacher tells Ralph, "That's also true some of the time, but what about in the winter when the grass turns brown."
At this time, little Johnny throws up his hand and says - "Teacher, I think I know a correct sentence, but first I have to ask you a question."
The teacher begrudgingly replies "Okay, what is it?"
Little Johnny asked "Teacher, are farts lumpy?"
The teacher replies, "No Johnny, but what does that have to do with anything?"
Little Johnny smiles and says,  "In that case, I definitely crapped in my pants."  Big Grin
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/05/2009 at 15:56
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                                                                                              Roll on Floor Laughing
 
                            THAT one wins the Cyborg-Bigdaddy Academy Award Joke of the Month award!!!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/05/2009 at 16:12
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LOL, now that's funny.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/05/2009 at 17:34
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HOLLY>>>>>s..... im still laughing!!!!!!!!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/05/2009 at 19:34
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I'll pass it on.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/06/2009 at 17:54
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Top Secret We (Bigdaddy and I)will decide who the winner is.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/06/2009 at 18:32
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   Teacher tells the class, i'm going to hold something behind my back and describe it and you tell me what you think it is.
   Teacher says i have something round and red.
 Little girl in the front row says is it an apple?
   Teacher replies No it's an eraser but i like the way you're thinking!
  Teacher says i have something long and yellow.
  Little boy raises his hand and says is it a banana?
  Teacher replies No it's an eraser, but i like the way you're thinking!
 Little Johnny's in the back raising his hand and the teacher says, yes Johnny?
 
 Johnny says i have my hand in my pocket and i feel something hard and it has a head on it!
 Teacher says Now JOHNNY i told you not to talk like that!
  Johnny replies, It's a quarter but i like the way you're thinkin !!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/07/2009 at 07:43
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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/07/2009 at 08:13
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Just maybe this joke will work in English.
What you have to know that a beetle is called a "tor" in Afrikaans.
So the schoolkids have to list beetles and what they eat.
So the one says "an apple tor " (apple beetle and so on ) and it eats apples
Next one "a rose tor" and it eats roses.
Next one "a tree tor" and it eats trees.
Little Johny: Teacher teacher a vibraTOR" oh says the teacher and what does it eat. I am not sure he replies, but my sister says it really eats batteries!


Edited by 8shots - January/07/2009 at 08:15
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/07/2009 at 08:44
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This week in class, the kids are learning about the five senses.  Today, the teacher tells the class that they will talk about "taste" and that they will begin with a demonstration.  The teacher asks for volunteers.  Several students raise their hands and the teacher asks Susie to come to the front of the class room.  When Suzie reaches the front of the class, the teacher places a blindfold over her eyes and then tells her to open her mouth.  She places a piece of peppermint into Susie mouth and asks her to identify the candy using her sense of taste.  After a few seconds, Susie smiles and says that she knows what it is.  She proclaims that it is a piece of peppermint and the teacher congratulates her.   The teacher then solicites another volunteer and asks Kevin to come to the front of the class room.  As before, she blindfolds the student and places a piece of candy in his mouth.  Kevin tells the class that it is familiar, but he can't quite figure it out.  The teacher offers a hint.  She asks him what he spreads on his toast in the morning.  He replies jelly and .... that's it, the candy is butterscotch.  The teacher congratulates him and asks for one last volunteer.  Ralph comes to the front of the class room and the same procedure is followed.  This time, the teacher uses a hershey's kiss.  Ralph tells the class that he knows that it is chocolate.  The teacher again offers a hint.  She tells Ralph that it is something that his mother might have given his father before he left for work in the morning.  At this moment, Little Johnny jumps up and yells, "Quick, spit it out!!!!   It's a piece of a$$." 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/07/2009 at 18:14
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OK....not a johnny joke but here it is any way.

There once was a man from Boston he bought himself a brand new Austin there was room for his ass and a gallon of gas but his balls hung out and he lost em?

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/07/2009 at 20:54
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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to f*** with the Lone Ranger."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/07/2009 at 21:04
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Damn skippy that was a good joke
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/08/2009 at 05:59
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I got the best one but it aint fittin for this room.

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/08/2009 at 08:29
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

 

When asked how he was feeling, the 86-year-old replied,

“Things are just great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc?”

 

 



The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.


'I have an elderly friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

 



One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

 



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang Bang'.'


'Incredibly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that?' asked the Doctor.


The 86-year-old thought for a minute and said,


'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The Doctor replied, 'My point exactly

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/09/2009 at 01:13
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My friend said his divorce was on the rocks.
Divorce?
Yes he confirmed, his wife is moving back!


Edited by 8shots - January/09/2009 at 01:14
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/09/2009 at 12:55
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One of my all time favorites -
 
Ben Franklin asks a well to do woman if she would have sex with him for a million dollars.  Of course, she replied.  He then asked would she do it for one dollar.  No way, she replied, what kind of lady do you think I am?  That has already been established, he replied, now we are negotiating. 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/09/2009 at 16:34
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/09/2009 at 16:35
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Ever wonder where our tax money goes?
 
 

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/09/2009 at 16:38
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A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/09/2009 at 16:41
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