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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/12/2010 at 12:50
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Chief Sackscratch

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borrowed from another site but still funny -
 
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a cookie.'' Becky duly goes and writes, 's a n d' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a cookie.

The teacher then says, 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a cookie.'' Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a cookie.

Teacher then says, 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me. I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I will give you a cookie.''
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/12/2010 at 12:50
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Chief Sackscratch

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A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/12/2010 at 12:51
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Chief Sackscratch

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A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/12/2010 at 12:52
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
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THE STORY OF THREE CONTRACTORS
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the Chicago contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/12/2010 at 12:54
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
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My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, ' Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'[beeep] no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the [beeep] would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone
slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart..'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/12/2010 at 14:47
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The Three Contractors is classic
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/12/2010 at 16:37
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Great ones Graham.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/13/2010 at 08:13
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Wonder if I culd get a one day Wal-Mart job? Don't think I'd make it to my first brake.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/13/2010 at 08:19
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Chief Sackscratch

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Welcome to walmart get your sh*t and get out!..........have a nice day
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/13/2010 at 09:47
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Good afternoon
Weight loss products are in isle 12.
Bath soap and hygene products are in isles 14 through 16.
You REALLY should check them out.
 
Good afternoon
I'm sorry, you need to go to a pet store for food for your monkey.
Did you have any trouble getting shoes on it this morning?
 
Good afternoon
Belts to hold your pants over your ass are in men's ware.
 
Good afternoon
Oh, you must be the inventor of the TOOTHbrush.
 
You want to see me boss?
 
My first 10 minutes as Greeter at Wal-Mart.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/13/2010 at 09:54
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Chief Sackscratch

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LOL!!!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/17/2010 at 16:38
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show me your sheep!!

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ExcellentLynn would probably set a new record.....
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2010 at 14:46
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A roughneck walks into the local hardware store and tells the clerk I need a wrench. The clerk says what kind of wrench you need? The roughneck says it dont matter Im gonna use it as a hammer.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2010 at 15:26
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Originally posted by OVERK!LL OVERK!LL wrote:

A roughneck walks into the local hardware store and tells the clerk I need a wrench. The clerk says what kind of wrench you need? The roughneck says it dont matter Im gonna use it as a hammer.
 
I know this guy
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2010 at 15:31
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Chief Sackscratch

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I think we all have been that guy at one time or another
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2010 at 16:07
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show me your sheep!!

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SSSHHHHH Graham!  Your cracker is showing!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2010 at 16:20
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2010 at 19:54
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Chief Sackscratch

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Neilbilly's link
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2010 at 21:05
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OT TITAN

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Originally posted by OVERK!LL OVERK!LL wrote:

A roughneck walks into the local hardware store and tells the clerk I need a wrench. The clerk says what kind of wrench you need? The roughneck says it dont matter Im gonna use it as a hammer.

ed's an old roughneck too, you guys wont get along goodBucky
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2010 at 02:24
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The builder joke is real life in the South African goverment tenders.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2010 at 09:11
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A friend of mine just started his own business. 
He's making landmines that look like prayer rugs.
It's doing well.  He says Prophets are going through the roof.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2010 at 09:12
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Chief Sackscratch

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Stare
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2010 at 09:29
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show me your sheep!!

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Franchise heaven!!!! Whistling
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2010 at 17:35
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2010 at 17:56
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Thanks to all Cheers
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