Jokes, etc The OT’s Greatest Hits

It can get a little heated here sometimes, and let's face it we all need a laugh sometime or another. if you find something funny post it here.

I found this story particularly hilarious.

Originally posted by Mike Mcdonald 

I've been fortunate enough to live in different parts of the country during my life and have always enjoyed the discovery of  flora and fauna native to the area..

While living on the Oregon  coastI learned that  200 people anually fall from their bicycles....................and drown.

In Montana I learned that the woods are full of things that can eat your horse, or stomp your person into a mud puddle.

When I moved to Texas the wife and I discovered a vorascious little throwback called the Armadillo.

Cute, dumb as a rock, and have a strange attraction to the wife's flower garden

The edict came down from She Who Must Be OBEYED that all armadillo's on the McDonald farm must be hunted down and terminated with all available resources. 

So I'm liking that part already.

MIdlle of the night, the spousal unit hears a noise.  She hears everything.  I sleep like dead people and as such get the snot beat out of me while she's trying to wake me to perform my appointed duties as night assassin.  We can't find the day guys phone number.

Out of bed, pant,s slippers, flashlight, self loading hand held 22 caliber hole puncher and out the door we go on our mission to confront  evil and destroy it. 

Harmless litte thing, kinda waddles around like I do at night munching on things like, well, like I do at night.

Despite the similarities this creature has to go.........now!

I sneak up on the dastardly villian and straddle it, taking aim with my non suppressed Ruger 22 pistol.

He's standing right between my legs and has no concern whatsoever.

I shot the little thing right between the ears, top down.

Things I know about Armadillos, let me enumerate for you;

1.  They have a brain the size of a pea.

2.  When shot, and not hit in the brain, they go into a defensive manuver.

That manuver is the vertical leap, propelling 20 some odd pounds of armor wrapped flesh into vertical flight, the appogee of which is 48 inches.

I have a 30 inch inseam.  Got the visual on that??

Meanwhile, inside the house, the wife has;

1.     Heard the gunshot

2.     Heard me moan loudly and fall to the ground.  (I don't remember this part clearly. My brain had    company, two little guys from down south.)

3.     Looked outside after hearing all this and saw me laying on the ground clutching my midsection.

4.     Dialed 911 with a shots fired/unknown intruder, husband injured on the ground.

 Every cop and first responder in the county shows up.  Not knowing what else to do, my charming wife makes coffee for everyone so we can all sit down and talk about it.

All armadillos on the McDonald farm are shotgunned from this point forward.

This was posted by Bigdaddy

cyborg wrote: It can get a little heated here sometimes, and let's face it we all need a laugh sometime or another. if you find something funny post it here. I found this story particularly hilarious.   Originally posted by Mike Mcdonald    I've been fortunate enough to live in different parts of the country during my life and have always enjoyed the discovery of  flora and fauna native to the area..   While living on the Oregon  coastI learned that  200 people anually fall from their bicycles....................and drown.   In Montana I learned that the woods are full of things that can eat your horse, or stomp your person into a mud puddle.   When I moved to Texas the wife and I discovered a vorascious little throwback called the Armadillo. Cute, dumb as a rock, and have a strange attraction to the wife's flower garden The edict came down from She Who Must Be OBEYED that all armadillo's on the McDonald farm must be hunted down and terminated with all available resources.    So I'm liking that part already.   MIdlle of the night, the spousal unit hears a noise.  She hears everything.  I sleep like dead people and as such get the snot beat out of me while she's trying to wake me to perform my appointed duties as night assassin.  We can't find the day guys phone number. Out of bed, pant,s slippers, flashlight, self loading hand held 22 caliber hole puncher and out the door we go on our mission to confront  evil and destroy it.    Harmless litte thing, kinda waddles around like I do at night munching on things like, well, like I do at night. Despite the similarities this creature has to go.........now! I sneak up on the dastardly villian and straddle it, taking aim with my non suppressed Ruger 22 pistol. He's standing right between my legs and has no concern whatsoever. I shot the little thing right between the ears, top down.   Things I know about Armadillos, let me enumerate for you;   1.  They have a brain the size of a pea. 2.  When shot, and not hit in the brain, they go into a defensive manuver.   That manuver is the vertical leap, propelling 20 some odd pounds of armor wrapped flesh into vertical flight, the appogee of which is 48 inches.   I have a 30 inch inseam.  Got the visual on that??   Meanwhile, inside the house, the wife has; 1.     Heard the gunshot 2.     Heard me moan loudly and fall to the ground.  (I don't remember this part clearly. My brain had    company, two little guys from down south.) 3.     Looked outside after hearing all this and saw me laying on the ground clutching my midsection. 4.     Dialed 911 with a shots fired/unknown intruder, husband injured on the ground.          Every cop and first responder in the county shows up.  Not knowing what else to do, my charming wife makes coffee for everyone so we can all sit down and talk about it.   All armadillos on the McDonald farm are shotgunned from this point forward.

I have read this a few times and it still brings a smile to my face. But this time I read it something just stood out and poof there it was. I got all tickled and laughing so hard I was crying but anyway got to thinking when Mike Mcdonald gets older can we can his place the old Mcdonald farm E I E I O. on this farm he had an armadillo. You know the rest so stop singing it to your self

Sorry mike i just couldn't let that pass.I catch crap for my last name also.... 

Jurassic Fart Funny

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HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's
work boots, used, size 14-16.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy
of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:

I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up
from the slaughterhouse. Back in an hour. Don't mess
with the pit bulls-- don't know what got into them,
but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed
him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better
wait out here on the porch.

"Cooter"

SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK? 

 The population of the USA is 300 million.

160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are  85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with kil ling Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
& nbsp; Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me. 
And there you are, sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. 

           Nice. Real nice !!

TRICK OR TREAT

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of 
this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful 
cute. Who are you suppose to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The 
man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off 
and a while later they come back dressed differently. 
 
They ring the doorbell an d once again the man opens the door. "Well now, 
that is just too darn cute.Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and 
Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but 
you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black. 
 
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell 
ring again.This time when he opens the door, there stand t he two 
children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED!!"

Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks. 
 
"Chocolate M&M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

Courtesy of Bigdaddy

One foggy night a Female Georgia fan was heading south and a Florida fan
was driving north. While crossing a narrow bridge they hit each other
head-on, mangling both cars.  The Georgia fan manages to climb out of her
car and survey the damage.  She looks at her twisted car and says, 'Man,
I'm lucky to be alive'.  Likewise, the Florida fan gets out of his car
uninjured, he too, feeling lucky to be alive.

The Florida fan walks over to the Georgia fan and says, 'Hey, I think this
is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends
instead of being rivals.'  The Georgia fan thinks for a moment and says,
'You know, you're absolutely right!  We should be friends. In fact, I'm
going to see if something else survived the wreck.'

The Georgia fan then pops open the trunk of her car and removes a full
undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. She says to the Florida fan,  'I think
this is another sign that we should toast to our newfound friendship.'

The Florida fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down  half of
the bottle, the Florida fan hands the bottle back to the Georgia fan and
says, 'Your turn.'

The Georgia fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws  the rest
of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, 'Nah, I think I'll
just wait for the cops to show up.'