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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 12:28
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Chief Sackscratch

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I run across them all the time and normally just post them anywhere I think will make someone say "why did he put that there" so from now on I can fill this one up.  Add any and all you will but remember this is a family show and don't get past the Rated R areaWink
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 12:28
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Chief Sackscratch

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The differences in a man's diary and a Womens Diary -
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.









Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 12:29
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Chief Sackscratch

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Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game.
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind
them, one of The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to
the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back
at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from
the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love
it!"
So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people
want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and
drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking,
swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering,
applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You
were right, I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is
wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 12:30
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand... Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 12:34
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A young cowboy from Dallas, Texas goes off to college at the University of Arkansas, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Fayetteville that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his dad says. "How do I get Old Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to Read!" "Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Old Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. Now our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town? The father exclaims, "I hope you SHOT that son of a [beeep] before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to become a successful lawyer.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 12:39
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YippeeYippeeYippee
Originally posted by SVT_Tactical SVT_Tactical wrote:

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game.
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind
them, one of The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to
the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back
at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from
the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love
it!"
So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people
want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and
drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking,
swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering,
applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You
were right, I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is
wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!"

Excellent Yippee Excellent Yippee  Big Grin Laugh

I would actually pay to see that!!!!  That would be the only other thing I can say I would pay to see him do other than leave the White House, which I have already and am still paying for.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 13:45
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Geez G, you're on a roll. ExcellentExcellentExcellent
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 14:24
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did we start one these like year or so ago???
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 14:28
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Big GrinBig Grin

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get P.O. . She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
Big GrinBig Grin

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 14:47
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Notes from the Edge of Life
 
 
 
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
 
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 14:50
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Roll on Floor Laughing
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 15:01
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Originally posted by hunterwingler hunterwingler wrote:

 
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Laugh
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 15:01
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those are all great!!! Excellent
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/22/2011 at 15:11
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Ole and Lena were heading home from church when Lena said 

"Ole I really have to pee.  What am I gonna do?" 

 Ole replied "I will pull over on the next bridge and you can squat over the railing and pee in the river." 

Lena asks "What if someone see's me?"

Ole "There are only 3 cars pass this bridge a day and we are the 3rd one.  You will be fine."

So Ole pulls over on the bridge and sends Lena to the side to relieve herself.  Lena pulls up her dress and squats over the railing while Ole keeps a watch for cars.  All of a sudden Lena screams

"Ole Ole I can't pee here, there are people down in the river in a canoe!!!"

Ole runs over and looks over the side. 

"There's no one there Lena just go to the bathroom and hurry up."

Again Lena pulls up her dress and squats over the side to pee.  Again she screems

"Ole Ole hurry and look there are people down there in a canoe!!!"

Ole runs over again and looks.  Again he says "There are no people down there just go to the bathroom."

This time Ole stays there and waits for Lena to squat back over the railing.  Once she does he tells Lena to look down at the river and asks what she see's?

She replies "See I told you there are people down there in a canoe.   Can't you see them?"

Ole turns around and heads back towards the car and says 

"Lena those aren't people in a canoe.....It's just your reflection." 
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/23/2011 at 13:56
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Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
 
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/24/2011 at 07:09
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This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front
door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a
problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a
picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit
by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an
excellent cook
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/24/2011 at 07:11
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Originally posted by magshooter1 magshooter1 wrote:

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front
door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a
problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a
picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit
by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an
excellent cook


But, does she HUNT?


Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/24/2011 at 11:49
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The game warden caught my cousin George coming out of the woods, carrying 6 dead squirrels, early in August (2 weeks before season). He said, "George I'm gonna have to cite you for shooting squirrels out of season". George said, "I didn't shoot these squirrels, I just picked them up off the ground and they were already dead, see for yourself". The game warden examined the squirrels and sure enough there wasn't the first bullit hole or shotgun pellit in them. The game warden asked, "How did you kill these squirrels?". George replied, "Well to be honest, I uglied them to death". "You what?" replied the game warden. "I uglied them to death", replied George. "I don't believe you, you poisned these poor squirrels or clubbed them or something. You can't just ugly a squirrel to death", said the warden. "Oh yes I can, and I'll prove it", said George. "Well your gonna have to prove it to me, or your going in front of the judge" said the game warden. So off to the woods they went. George spotted a hickory tree and he could hear a big squirrel in the top cutting on a nut. "Now watch this carefully" said George, as he crept around to the other side of the hickory tree. All of a sudden George jumped into the open looked up at the squirrel in top of the tree, crossed his eyes and scrunched up his face. The poor little squirrel looked down and saw George and grabbed his little chest with his mouth wide open, and fell to the ground dead. The game warden said "That's amazing! Can anyone else do that?" "Yeah" said George. "My wife can, but she tears them up too much".
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/27/2011 at 12:15
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/27/2011 at 12:18
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The Even Trade

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a young boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle." said the boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the preacher he hadn't ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn't sure he remembered how to ride one.
The preacher told him, "Just keep trying. It'll come back to you." After riding the bike around a little while, the boy said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the youngster over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/30/2011 at 12:00
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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, 'kerplop', right on his twitchy little nose.


'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'


'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'


'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'


So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'


The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'


The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,
'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN'
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One day this blonde gal decides that she wants her very own genuine pair of alligator boots. She takes a drive out towards the Everglades and stops at a country gun shop for some advice and a weapon.

After hearing what she wants to do, the shop owner outfits her with a long gun and some ammo and directs her down the road to some canals where he sees a lot of big gators.

A couple hours later he closes down the shop and out of curiosity drives down to where he thinks the blonde may be hunting. Not expecting much, he pulls up and sees the blonde taking aim at big gator coming towards her down the canal and is shocked to see 3 gators over 8 feet long lying on the bank behind her.

The blonde shoots the gator dead , wades out to the carcass and drags it back to the bank. She quickly flips it over and exclaims, "Not again!! This one is barefoot, too!!!"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/30/2011 at 12:03
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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.



The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?"



The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"



The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.



"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"



The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."



And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin right beside his Acorn button) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your [beeep] year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... [beeep] guy had no sense of humor.
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A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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