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Chief Sackscratch

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/02/2012 at 15:47
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets or purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband, David, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call him “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard David’s voice. “Betty” he barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” David retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car?”
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A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull…

With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,

"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
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CHILI COOK-OFFS
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me,
you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges,(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________
________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy s**t, what the h**l is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________
________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when hey saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________
________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all the beer. __________________________________________________
______
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. **** is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________
_____
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________
______
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________
_
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
_________________________________________

Chili #8 Lester's Last of the Red-Hot Lover's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/02/2012 at 15:52
LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
TRAINING DEPOT.

Dear Maw and Paw,

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly
6.00 AM but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and
Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some
things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not
too bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings, like
fruit juice cereal, eggs, bacon, etc but kind of weak on chops,
potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food.
But tell Walt and Elmer that you can always sit by the two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when
you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route' marches which the Platoon Sergeant says are long
walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him
different, as a 'route' march is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet, and we all ride back in trucks. The
country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher.
He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels
just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. The next will
kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting,
I don't know why. The Bull's eye is as big as a chipmunks head and don't
move, and it ain't shooting at you, like the Huggett boys at home. All
you got to do, is lay there comfortable, and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges, they come in boxes. Then they have what they
call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city
boys, but I have to be real careful though - they break easy. It ain't
like fighting that old bull at home. I'm about the best they've got at
this except for Tug Jordan, from over in Silver Lake. He joined up
about the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's
6'8" and nearly 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry
up and join before other fellers get on to this set-up and come
stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Cheryl
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/02/2012 at 16:27
Go get'em Elle May!!!!Cool
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shelley@SWFA Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/02/2012 at 16:38
Thanks for the funnies Graham !
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/09/2012 at 14:55
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno


America needs Obama-care like Nancy ;
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno


Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien


Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno


Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
--David Letterman


Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon


Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel


Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman



Solution to the problem in Syria:
They want a new Muslim leader,
Give them ours.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/09/2012 at 14:56
One day my wife was out, and I was in charge of my grand daughter for the day.

She was 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought me a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home.

I made her wait in the living room to watch our grand daughter bring me a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My wife waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and my wife watched me drink it up.

Then my wife said,"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/09/2012 at 14:57
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, .. with a sense of pride and satisfaction she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“ Hi darling” he says

“ Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/09/2012 at 14:58
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?"

The second kid says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says,
"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks,
"What are you here for?"

The first kid says,"Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies,

"Good luck, buddy.
I had that done when I was born and
I couldn't walk for a year."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bugsNbows Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/09/2012 at 16:38
Yikes. The truth hurts. 
If we're not suppose to eat animals...how come they're made of meat?
               Anomymous
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/09/2012 at 16:46
Ouwwwie!
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/16/2012 at 14:03
Kickboxer's Rules -
....for dating his daughter:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot bellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, & five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME SON!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Alan Robertson Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/16/2012 at 20:40

A BBC TV journalist is interviewing an elderly former Polish fighter pilot.

Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?

Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded. Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames. The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot – bang, bang, bang – and he blew up too!

Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.

Polish Fighter Pilot: No, no, no – these fokkers were Messerschmitts!

"Garg'n uair dhuisgear"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/23/2012 at 15:30

THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and granola instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a [beeep] who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.


AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:


1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving

"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/23/2012 at 15:45
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everythang.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts , only smaller.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grand kids
And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes.
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are
Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators
Are More Corrupt

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing
Crazies, and Honest Elections

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney
And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender, Yet!

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Texas
Se Hable Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't
Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared.
Home of Brokeback Mountain

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/23/2012 at 15:51
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides
in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes
home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little
boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$100'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$100'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy -'$200.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to Church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the Confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my Cupboard now!
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Optics God
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bowsNbugs

Joined: March/10/2008
Location: North Georgia
Status: Offline
Points: 11201
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bugsNbows Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/23/2012 at 16:08
Hey, I'm from Florida...wanna hear about my grand kids? Wink
If we're not suppose to eat animals...how come they're made of meat?
               Anomymous
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/23/2012 at 16:09
Two Texas Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know,

I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions,

who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic? "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The dean says,

"I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you are not gay.

"That's right I'm not gay. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.

He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Shelley@SWFA View Drop Down
Optics Apprentice
Optics Apprentice
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Joined: December/14/2011
Location: Shark Tank
Status: Offline
Points: 125
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shelley@SWFA Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/23/2012 at 16:34
Break Dance ha ha ha
thank you!!!!!!
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