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Bathroom Etiquette at Work |
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budperm
Optics Retard show me your sheep!! Joined: January/01/2009 Location: Pennsylvania Status: Offline Points: 31710 |
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Posted: January/19/2010 at 09:33 |
> HOW TO POOP AT WORK
> > As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is > inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a > survival guide for taking a dump at the office. > > CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the > smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know > where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the > full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell > has left your pants. > > FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and > check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and > come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may > become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. > > ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or > forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of > embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend > it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, > pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable > for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel > uneasy. > > JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun > pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this > should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left > the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. > > COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits > the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up > the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF > SHAME. > > WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you > have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment > if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend > that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the > COURTESY FLUSH. > > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud > of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom > with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the > office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. > > SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can > least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite > sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your > bathroom. > > TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and > tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and > vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this > occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you > will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. > > CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom > that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to > alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction > with an ASTAIRE. > > ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars > that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall > is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the > pooper can poop in peace. > > WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet > water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon > coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. > > > in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a > Camo-Cough with an Astaire. > > UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend > extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An > Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should > always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well > as the other bathroom attendees. > > Thoughts to ponder while at work. Have a great day!!! > |
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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson |
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pyro6999
Optics Retard OT TITAN Joined: December/22/2006 Location: North Dakota Status: Offline Points: 22034 |
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still funny!
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They call me "Boots"
375H&H Mag: Yeah, it kills stuff "extra dead" 343 we will never forget God Bless Chris Ledoux "good ride cowboy" |
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bugsNbows
Optics God bowsNbugs Joined: March/10/2008 Location: North Georgia Status: Offline Points: 11200 |
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What about the porcelain python? I just left one. It was a dandy.
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If we're not suppose to eat animals...how come they're made of meat?
Anomymous |
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magshooter1
Optics Professional Joined: August/27/2008 Location: El Dorado, AR Status: Offline Points: 827 |
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This must be just for office chair jockeys. I work at a chemical plant and I do believe the only one that applies is the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER and it applies to all male employees. Don't know about the female types; they have seperate facilities.
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Some people are educated BEYOND their intelligence.
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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We share a bathroom with the public, I will hold it or go home sick before I stick my tail down here!
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BeltFed
Optics Retard Joined: February/12/2008 Location: Ky Status: Offline Points: 22284 |
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Oh the humanity! I was growing up well adjusted until I was scarred for life in grade school. Now I am familiar with all the above proceedures, I just didn't know the terminology. And I was just starting to realize that when you go to the bathroom people don't point and laugh; now I'm not sure.
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Life's concerns should be about the 120lb pack your trying to get to the top of the mountain, and not the rock in your boot.
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Oh they are always laughing mentally just not always pointing.
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budperm
Optics Retard show me your sheep!! Joined: January/01/2009 Location: Pennsylvania Status: Offline Points: 31710 |
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Faith worse than death! Trapped in the Men's room after lunch on Taco Tuesday!
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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson |
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Steelbenz
Optics Jedi Knight ROLL TIDE ROLL Joined: January/03/2006 Location: Heart of Dixie Status: Offline Points: 5153 |
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Y'all AIN'T Right!!!
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"Don't argue with a fool! From a distance you can't really tell who's who!"
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Ed Connelly
Optics Retard God of no Chihuahua Joined: December/16/2007 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 24225 |
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What section are we in??? |
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pyro6999
Optics Retard OT TITAN Joined: December/22/2006 Location: North Dakota Status: Offline Points: 22034 |
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plumbing duh!!!
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They call me "Boots"
375H&H Mag: Yeah, it kills stuff "extra dead" 343 we will never forget God Bless Chris Ledoux "good ride cowboy" |
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budperm
Optics Retard show me your sheep!! Joined: January/01/2009 Location: Pennsylvania Status: Offline Points: 31710 |
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good one Hunter!
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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson |
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budperm
Optics Retard show me your sheep!! Joined: January/01/2009 Location: Pennsylvania Status: Offline Points: 31710 |
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Bye-Bye..... ED!
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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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And we all freely admit it too.
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8shots
Optics Jedi Knight Lord Of The Flies Joined: March/14/2007 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 6253 |
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Razor sharp , bro.
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Old Glory
Optics Apprentice Joined: December/19/2008 Status: Offline Points: 80 |
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LOL
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Ed Connelly
Optics Retard God of no Chihuahua Joined: December/16/2007 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 24225 |
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cyborg
Optics God Gaseous Clay Joined: August/24/2007 Location: North Georgia Status: Offline Points: 12288 |
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Use of explosives to catch fish..... I like it!!!!!!
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With Freedom comes great responsibility, you cannot have one without the other
An armed public are citizens. A disarmed public are subjects. OATH KEEPER #8233 Support us, and join our cause. Cyborg |
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cyborg
Optics God Gaseous Clay Joined: August/24/2007 Location: North Georgia Status: Offline Points: 12288 |
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With Freedom comes great responsibility, you cannot have one without the other
An armed public are citizens. A disarmed public are subjects. OATH KEEPER #8233 Support us, and join our cause. Cyborg |
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budperm
Optics Retard show me your sheep!! Joined: January/01/2009 Location: Pennsylvania Status: Offline Points: 31710 |
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Fart Fishing! Another fine tradition started in the south by us good ole boys!
Just like Noodling!
Although Noodling has changed drastically since it started in the swamps and bayous.
Now they use they hands!
How do you think they came up with the name Noodling???
Incidentally, Noodling is also credited with the birth of the phrase "Look maw, no hands"
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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson |
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