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Things you should KNOW about Alabama |
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Kickboxer
MODERATOR Moderator Joined: February/13/2008 Status: Offline Points: 23679 |
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Posted: September/04/2009 at 19:36 |
First you must learn how to pronounce the major cities...Burminham;
Huntsvul; Mobeeeel Driving Information: Alabama has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime. To find anything in Burminham, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two 'cloverleaf formation' interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit dumber than we are.. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 . The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 . Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the term 'merging delays' is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike. You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road. They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going anywhere else. Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama . The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a little more interesting. If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was 'accidentally activated'. The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is also Alabama 's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR -- especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be 'flipped a bird' accordingly. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from north of Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Burminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it. Weather Information: If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Burminham residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be the next target. Seasonal Information: If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring. If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter. General Information: Do not ever speak during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama ' unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I didn't say 'sold at this event,' but 'present'). Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city of Burminham. It's not that funny to us anymore, and by now we're used to it. If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you, 'What kind?' This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'. All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line . Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 of them live in Alabama . There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama, plus a couple no one's seen before. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy. People actually grow and eat okra. 'Fixinto' is one word. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar! Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you. DGeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?' You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them. You measure distance in minutes. You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. You carry jumper cables in your car .. . . for your OWN car. There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports. The first day of deer season is a national holiday. 100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm'. We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time. Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no stinking driver's ed ... if our mama says we can drive, we can drive. If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Alabama (and those who just wish they were). EVERYONE can't be an Alabamian; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God! |
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Opinion,untempered by fact,is ignorance.
There are some who do not fear death... for they are more afraid of not really living |
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mike650
Optics God Joined: May/14/2006 Location: West of Rockies Status: Offline Points: 14569 |
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Edited by mike650 - September/05/2009 at 07:49 |
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“A hunt based only on trophies taken falls far short of what the ultimate goal should be.” – Fred Bear
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RONK
Optics Master Extraordinaire Joined: April/05/2007 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 3199 |
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Thank you for that valuable Public Service Announcement, Dan.
It may come in handy if I should ever get really lost while going to Texas or Florida.
(Just kidding; I wouldn't ever go to Florida!)
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HuntMaster
Optics Master Joined: March/19/2007 Location: St Stephens,Al. Status: Offline Points: 1053 |
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Refreshing,isn't it? It is also ALL True !
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cheaptrick
MODERATOR Joined: September/27/2004 Location: South Carolina Status: Offline Points: 20844 |
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3_tens
Optics Jedi Master Joined: January/08/2007 Location: Oklahoma Status: Offline Points: 7853 |
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Dangnation KB, didden know you could type that much at one time.
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Folks ain't got a sense of humor no more. They don't laugh they just get sore.
Need to follow the rules. Just hard to determine which set of rules to follow Now the rules have changed again. |
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Kickboxer
MODERATOR Moderator Joined: February/13/2008 Status: Offline Points: 23679 |
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It took a week...
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Opinion,untempered by fact,is ignorance.
There are some who do not fear death... for they are more afraid of not really living |
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bugsNbows
Optics God bowsNbugs Joined: March/10/2008 Location: North Georgia Status: Offline Points: 11200 |
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I went to Alabama once................................that was enough.
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If we're not suppose to eat animals...how come they're made of meat?
Anomymous |
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mike650
Optics God Joined: May/14/2006 Location: West of Rockies Status: Offline Points: 14569 |
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“A hunt based only on trophies taken falls far short of what the ultimate goal should be.” – Fred Bear
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Kickboxer
MODERATOR Moderator Joined: February/13/2008 Status: Offline Points: 23679 |
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Hey, I know that guy... (the deer).
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Opinion,untempered by fact,is ignorance.
There are some who do not fear death... for they are more afraid of not really living |
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cheaptrick
MODERATOR Joined: September/27/2004 Location: South Carolina Status: Offline Points: 20844 |
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Um...Steelbenz is viewing this thread as I type.
Ya'll better straighten up now, ya hear?
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Steelbenz
Optics Jedi Knight ROLL TIDE ROLL Joined: January/03/2006 Location: Heart of Dixie Status: Offline Points: 5153 |
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Dan, you missed only one thing I can think of. If she's from "Over the Mountain" she has a gun AND a lawyer. LOL!!!
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"Don't argue with a fool! From a distance you can't really tell who's who!"
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Kickboxer
MODERATOR Moderator Joined: February/13/2008 Status: Offline Points: 23679 |
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He hasn't posted to it yet... must have been stuck on 459
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Opinion,untempered by fact,is ignorance.
There are some who do not fear death... for they are more afraid of not really living |
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Steelbenz
Optics Jedi Knight ROLL TIDE ROLL Joined: January/03/2006 Location: Heart of Dixie Status: Offline Points: 5153 |
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I was only verifying the info. carry on!!!
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"Don't argue with a fool! From a distance you can't really tell who's who!"
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Kickboxer
MODERATOR Moderator Joined: February/13/2008 Status: Offline Points: 23679 |
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It's good to have a "fact checker" who is familiar with the information...
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Opinion,untempered by fact,is ignorance.
There are some who do not fear death... for they are more afraid of not really living |
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Steelbenz
Optics Jedi Knight ROLL TIDE ROLL Joined: January/03/2006 Location: Heart of Dixie Status: Offline Points: 5153 |
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I use to have to drive thru malfunction junction on my way to work. had AK shells bounce off the hood of my truck one night too. That was back before they "cleaned up Downtown" LOL yea right!!
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"Don't argue with a fool! From a distance you can't really tell who's who!"
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Steelbenz
Optics Jedi Knight ROLL TIDE ROLL Joined: January/03/2006 Location: Heart of Dixie Status: Offline Points: 5153 |
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Now i drive 459 to 20/59
less headache, unless your in hoover |
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"Don't argue with a fool! From a distance you can't really tell who's who!"
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Steelbenz
Optics Jedi Knight ROLL TIDE ROLL Joined: January/03/2006 Location: Heart of Dixie Status: Offline Points: 5153 |
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Oh, and the best thing that ever came out of Auburn is...................... Highway 280.
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"Don't argue with a fool! From a distance you can't really tell who's who!"
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Kickboxer
MODERATOR Moderator Joined: February/13/2008 Status: Offline Points: 23679 |
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I have no dog in that fight...
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Opinion,untempered by fact,is ignorance.
There are some who do not fear death... for they are more afraid of not really living |
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jonoMT
Optics Master Extraordinaire Joined: November/13/2008 Location: Montana Status: Offline Points: 4853 |
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I've only driven through there once, going from Florida to Lousiana, so I guess it was about as little as you can see of the state. I sure do like the Dreamland BBQ sauce I get every Christmas from our friends that go down there to visit Gramma Bea. I always try to cook up a decent pulled pork to match.
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Reaction time is a factor...
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