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Stand Up Routines

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Ed Connelly View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/25/2008 at 21:18
" Ok....I've got one.....a beautiful 18 year old Italian girl tells her mama that she's missed her period for two months! Well, the Mom goes to the store and buys a pregnancy test kit--and , sure enough, the girl is pregnant! "
 
" Mama starts shouting ' Who was this pig that did this to you?!!'  And Papa!! Well, he was screaming...' I'm-a gonna bash his-a head in!!  I'm-a gonna rip out his-a guts with-a my fingers!!' "
 
" Well, the girl gets on the phone and makes a call. A half hour later a Ferrari pulls up to the house and a distinguished-looking gentleman, wearing an Armani suit, gets out and walks up to the door. He enters the house and has a word with the irate parents. "
 
" 'Good evening, folks. I'm terribly sorry about all of this....unfortunately, I cannot marry your daughter because of my personal family situation....you see, I am already married. However, I will take responsibility for this entire situation and I will, naturally, pay for all the costs and I will provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.' "  
 
" ' Additionally' , he went on, ' if the child is a girl I will bequeath to her two retail stores, one townhouse, one beachfront villa in Spain, a Ferrari, and a two million dollar trust fund.
If it is a boy I will give him two factories and a four million dollar trust fund.  If she has twins, I will give them one factory each and a two million dollar trust fund for each.' "  
 
" ' However' he continued ' if there is a miscarriage...what do you think I should do?'
 
" Papa grabs him by the shoulder and says: ' Then you-a gonna try again!' "
 


Edited by Ed Connelly - August/25/2008 at 22:42
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kickboxer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/26/2008 at 06:46
Roll%20on%20Floor%20Laughing
Opinion,untempered by fact,is ignorance.

There are some who do not fear death... for they are more afraid of not really living
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2008 at 07:12


Edited by Urimaginaryfrnd - August/27/2011 at 21:38
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/27/2008 at 12:08
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/08/2008 at 16:40
 
  cyborg  stage manager
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cyborg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/08/2008 at 16:48
Excellent Ed you have a pic for just about everything. LMAO
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/08/2008 at 16:52
           
                                                                     Roll%20on%20Floor%20Laughing
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pyro6999 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/08/2008 at 20:25
 
h sh*t this is a family show i cant say nothn

Edited by Ed Connelly - September/24/2009 at 17:48
They call me "Boots"
375H&H Mag: Yeah, it kills stuff "extra dead"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October/08/2008 at 16:01
" Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.  Harvey says: ' I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married.  Did you? '  Bill replied: ' I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?' "
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2009 at 18:37

" A distraught woman storms into a local Pharmacy and insists that the Pharmacist sell her a jug of cyanide. ....." 

 
".......The woman goes on to say that her husband has been cheating on her and that she is going to kill the son of a gun [ but she used a nastier word ].  The Pharmacist is astounded!!!  He says: ' Lady, I can't sell you a poison like cyanide!!  I would lose my license, my store!!  My whole life would be in ruins!!  I can't do a crazy thing like that!! ' " 
 " Whereupon the woman, really irate now,  pulls out her purse and reaches inside and throws a photograph down on the counter.  ' Here is photographic evidence!! ' she proclaims.  The Druggist looks at the photo of the lady's husband and his own wife!!
 
" Oh!! " he says, " I didn't know that you had a prescription!!! " 
 
                                                        Shocked
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2009 at 18:43

" A man was complaining to his wife about lovemaking.  He said, ' Why don't you ever tell me when you're having an orgasm? ' "

" She said ' Oh, Honey, I don't like to call you when you are at work!! ' "

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cheaptrick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2009 at 20:02
The master stand up comedian IMHO.....
 
 
Richard Pryor.........Thunbs Up
"Bicentenial Nigger" was hilarious!!!  
If at first you don't secede...try..try again.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/24/2009 at 17:44
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/24/2009 at 21:18

    

 



Edited by Urimaginaryfrnd - August/27/2011 at 21:39
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trays 7940 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/24/2009 at 22:00
Get Your Popcorn Ready 
 
Richard Prior did one about a voodoo woman and a monkey... I cant remember it but I remember I laughed till I cried....


I don't shoot innocent animals, just the one's who look guilty.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mike650 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/24/2009 at 22:23
Excellent    Thunbs Up


Richard Pryor - Doberman Pinschers

click >>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeJadTLrx6E
“A hunt based only on trophies taken falls far short of what the ultimate goal should be.” – Fred Bear
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trays 7940 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/30/2009 at 14:43
ExcellentRoll on Floor Laughing


I don't shoot innocent animals, just the one's who look guilty.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trays 7940 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: November/19/2009 at 09:10


I don't shoot innocent animals, just the one's who look guilty.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ed Connelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: December/05/2009 at 14:57
      
          EARTH FIRST
      
 
 
We'll Drill the other Planets later...........
 
 
       
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pyro6999 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: December/05/2009 at 15:04
Originally posted by Trays 7940 Trays 7940 wrote:


he is damn funny i watched his new special on comedy central last night funny stuff.


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They call me "Boots"
375H&H Mag: Yeah, it kills stuff "extra dead"

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