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Chili cookoff Texas Style

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2010 at 10:40
Urimaginaryfrnd View Drop Down
Resident Redneck

Joined: June/20/2005
Location: Iowa
Status: Offline
Points: 14173

  Chili Cook-Off

 If you can read this whole story without laughing,
 then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

 This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
 cook-off in Texas .

 Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
 pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
 of the third judge is even better. For those of you
 who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
 They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
 of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

 Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
 Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

 Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
 judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
 be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
 directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
 came in.

 I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
 spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
 beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
 Judge #3.

 Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


 Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
 Amusing kick.

 Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
 this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
 Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
 one. These Texans are crazy.


 Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
 jalapeno tang.

 Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
 to be taken seriously.

 Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
 I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
 pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
 give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.


 Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

 Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

 Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
 spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
 Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
 more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
 back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
 chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


 Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.

 Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
 side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
 a chili.

 Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
 tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
 burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing
 behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
 look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
 an aphrodisiac?


 Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
 freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very

 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
 more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
 strong statement.


Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2010 at 10:49
helo18 View Drop Down
Optics Jedi Knight
Optics Jedi Knight

Joined: December/02/2006
Location: Montana
Status: Offline
Points: 5520
Roll on Floor Laughing Thanks, I needed a good laugh.  Also makes me want to volunteer to be a taste tester!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2010 at 12:35
stickbow46 View Drop Down
Optics Master Extraordinaire
Optics Master Extraordinaire

Joined: January/07/2009
Location: Benton, Pa
Status: Offline
Points: 4676
I was almost on the floor with this one,is a matter of fact my wife almost called the paramedics as I couldn't stop laughing,had tears running down my face & my stomach was hurting from laughing so much.......Thanks
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2010 at 13:55
bugsNbows View Drop Down
Optics Jedi Master
Optics Jedi Master

Joined: March/10/2008
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 9546
Very funny...and I'm not even from Texas! Thanks for an enlightening moment.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2010 at 19:40
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
Optics Retard
Optics Retard
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 29258
Everytime I read that one it kills me.  Man my sides hurt every time!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/10/2010 at 19:44
mike650 View Drop Down
Optics God
Optics God

Joined: May/14/2006
Location: West of Rockies
Status: Offline
Points: 12877
Judge # 3 - No Report

Roll on Floor Laughing
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