If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a