Optics Jedi Knight
Lord Of The Flies
Location: South Africa
Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked myinterest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Cut a long
story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There
I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little
soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you
already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter jersey,
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
>>>>burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
>>>>control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop
on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one
side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK,
F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm pretty s